If estrangement includes both a lack of closeness and a lack of contact, then many parents don’t even notice the emotional withdrawal. Children learn early to show the family what they want, not who they truly are. So when the child finally walks away: “It came out of nowhere!” says the parent. But the estrangement didn’t start that day. It started years earlier, in the silences, in the performances, and in the emotional disconnection.

Labels can feel comforting: liberal, conservative, believer, atheist. If I know which category you’re in—and which one I’m in—I can tell myself I know where we stand. But labels flatten people. They turn complex human beings into ideas. And when you’re fighting ideas instead of humans, hurting each other becomes easier. Outrage can even feel… energizing. A substitute for connection. A way to feel alive when we’re anxious or disconnected.

For some of us, our feelings became liabilities, and needs were turned into ammunition. Children in these families learn that vulnerability is a weapon — not theirs, but their parents’. When they show emotion, it’s used against them. When they cry for help, it becomes a map of where to strike next time. So they hide. They go quiet. They bury emotions deep underground, because every time they surface, they get attacked.