3 simple steps to reconciling with your estranged adult child- simple but not easy!

Today’s post is one I’ve had a few requests for. If you’re a parent looking to reconnect with a child who has cut you off, this post is for you.

Before we dive into the three steps, I want to say thank you to the parents who are reading. I see your bravery, and I appreciate your willingness to work through the difficult emotions that come with estrangement. I truly believe that any genuine, heartfelt movement toward reconnecting can lead you in the right direction. However, there are three steps I believe can help guide the process. They’re simple but not necessarily easy, so let’s dive in.

And if you’re the estranged child or have been through something similar with a sibling, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Do you think these steps would have helped if you saw them from your parent’s side? Let me know what you think.

Step 1: Acknowledge the No-Contact Request

The first step is crucial: acknowledge the request for no contact. This step is about accepting that your child needs space and honoring their request. It can be tough, but it’s necessary. You may be thinking, “But if my child says they don’t want to speak to me, won’t I be violating their wishes if I try to reach out?” Yes, this is a gray area, but in general, if someone tells you they need space, the best thing you can do is acknowledge it.

Acknowledging the request is not about agreeing with it, condoning it, or pressuring them to change their mind. It's about simply saying, "I hear you, and I respect your need for space."

Why is this so important? When you don’t acknowledge their request, it can feel as if you’re not really listening or that you’re dismissing their feelings. If you do acknowledge it, you validate their emotions and show respect for their decision.

Here’s an example of how to acknowledge their need for space in a message (whether it’s through text, email, or letter):

Keep the message short and simple. Don’t turn it into an emotional confession about how hurt you are. This isn’t the time to talk about your feelings. Focus on validating theirs. Remember, this is about giving them the space to process things at their own pace.

Step 2: Work on Yourself

The second step is to work on yourself. Estrangement doesn’t typically happen without a reason. Your child likely feels they need distance for their emotional well-being. So, the second step is all about looking inward and reflecting on the relationship. What went wrong? What patterns or events led to this point?

This step is about looking honestly at the dynamics in your relationship and understanding what might have contributed to the estrangement. Maybe you’ve apologized in the past, or you may feel they were overreacting. But to move forward, it’s crucial to try and see things from their perspective.

This isn’t about self-blame but about taking responsibility for the things you may have contributed to the situation. If you avoid acknowledging the role you played, you might miss the opportunity for healing and change.

Look at the history of your relationship, and if needed, get outside support. You might want to talk to a therapist or trusted friend who can help you see things from your child’s point of view. Consider going through old messages or letters and really digging into what your child has expressed. It’s important to do the emotional work here if you want to move toward a healthier relationship.

Step 3: Wait

This is often the hardest part. Once you’ve sent the acknowledgment and done the inner work, you need to let go and wait for your child to reach out when they’re ready. You can’t rush this process. If you push too hard, you risk damaging things further.

Remember, the ball is now in their court. You’ve done your part by acknowledging their space and working on yourself, and now it’s about giving them the time and space they need. Waiting can be difficult, especially if you’re hoping for a swift resolution, but healing takes time. The key is to respect their timeline and not pressure them to come around on your schedule.

Don’t try to use grandchildren or other family members as leverage to get them to reach out. That tactic won’t help and will only put more strain on the relationship. It’s important to keep the door open but let them make the first move when they’re ready.

Remember, this is hard and takes time

I know that this process can feel incredibly painful. It’s one of the hardest things a parent can face, and it takes a lot of emotional strength to follow through with these steps. The key here is patience—both for yourself and your child. Trying to force the process only leads to more pain and a greater risk of permanently damaging the relationship.

If you’re wondering, “What if they never know I’ve changed?”—know that even if reconciliation doesn’t happen, the work you’re doing is valuable. Not just for the potential for healing, but for your own growth. Even if you don’t get the outcome you hope for, becoming a better version of yourself through this process is incredibly important.

Ultimately, if reconciliation happens, it should be done carefully and thoughtfully with respect for each other’s boundaries. The goal is to create a healthier relationship where both parties can grow and thrive, but that takes emotional resilience. It’s not easy, but it is possible.

I hope these steps help guide you on your journey. Take care of yourselves, and remember that healing takes time. Be kind to yourself and those around you. You’re doing your best, and that matters.

Take care