Silent Estrangements: The Distance We Don't See

At first, I thought estrangement was simple: you stop talking to your family, you don’t see them anymore, and that’s it. But it’s way more nuanced than that.

Estrangement Isn’t Just About No Contact

Most people think estrangement is about cutting off contact. That’s one side of it—sure—but there’s another, quieter side: emotional closeness—or the lack of it.

Emotional distance often starts years before the final split. It’s the quiet precursor to the visible estrangement.

Many families never notice it. They focus on the “loud ending”—the drama of cutting ties—without seeing the silences, performances, and slow disconnection that have been building for years.

Why Emotional Closeness Matters

Parent-child bonds are considered some of the most fundamental relationships we have.

Researchers call them “irreplaceable” and “virtually indissoluble.”

Two things define that permanency:

1. Regular contact

2. Emotional closeness

   
   

Without emotional closeness, the relationship is fragile, even if everyone keeps showing up.

Playing the Part

For me, emotional closeness was never real. By age ten, I realized I was largely on my own. I learned to “play the part”—to give my parents what they wanted, not who I truly was.

I wasn’t seen. I wasn’t supported. I didn’t feel safe being myself.

Even into my twenties, I told myself, “Sure, close enough,” because that was my normal.

And because my family always said we were a loving, supportive family—even if their actions didn’t back it up.

Eventually, I realized it was a game of closeness. A story of a happy family without the substance behind it. Like all fiction, it eventually started to crumble.

Sometimes relationships can look close, but in reality be vey emotionally distant.

A Truth at the Dinner Table

I’ll never forget the moment it hit me: sitting at the dinner table in my late twenties, my mom said we were a “close family.” Without thinking, I said:

“But we’re not a close family.”

It was like dropping a hand grenade into the lasagna. My mom was horrified.

This moment showed me how differently children and parents can perceive the same relationship. Emotional closeness—or the lack of it—is often invisible until it’s gone.

Estrangement Starts Long Before the Cut

If estrangement includes both a lack of closeness and a lack of contact, then many parents don’t even notice the emotional withdrawal. Children learn early to show the family what they want, not who they truly are.

So when the child finally walks away:

“It came out of nowhere!” says the parent.

But the estrangement didn’t start that day. It started years earlier, in the silences, in the performances, and in the emotional disconnection.

Seeing Both Sides

Research shows that to truly understand estrangement, we need to see both sides. Children may feel disconnected for years, while parents genuinely believe everything was fine. Both sides are living their own truths.

Estrangement isn’t about blame. It’s about understanding, clarity, and recognizing the invisible threads that tie—or untie—relationships.

Finding Clarity

For adult children who’ve walked away: you weren’t imagining things. You weren’t heartless. You didn’t invent the distance—you were responding to a real lack of connection.

For parents struggling with estrangement: ask yourself: was there genuine closeness? Were you close to your child—or just your expectations of them?

Recognizing the quiet parts of a relationship can be just as important as facing the loud endings.

Thanks for being here. I hope this gives you some insight and peace, whatever your experience with family may be.

Chess

xx