Social Anxiety After Narcissistic Abuse: Why It Happens and How to Heal

Today I want to talk about something that comes up frequently for people who have lived with a narcissistic person: social anxiety after narcissistic abuse.

If you’ve experienced a narcissistic parent, partner, family member, or colleague, this may resonate with you deeply.

Why Narcissistic Abuse Can Lead to Social Anxiety

Narcissists thrive on feeling superior to others. In order for them to maintain this image, the people around them often end up being pushed into a lower role. Over time, this dynamic chips away at our self-esteem.

In narcissistic relationships, there’s often:

• Constant criticism

• Comparison to others

• Gaslighting and manipulation

• A complete lack of support for your growth or healing

  
  

Instead of being encouraged through struggles, you’re more likely to have your vulnerabilities exploited. Over time, this makes you question your worth, your judgment, and even your place in social settings.

The Hidden Impact: Self-Censorship and Isolation

What I often hear from clients is that they struggle with social anxiety — but interestingly, this doesn’t always show up right away. In fact, I might speak with someone for hours before they tell me they’re socially anxious. And the reason it’s not obvious? It’s not about lacking social skills or care — quite the opposite.

People who experience this kind of social anxiety are often deeply caring, thoughtful, and empathetic. But when you've been made to feel like you’re “too much” or “not enough” over and over again, especially in social situations, your brain starts to scan for danger every time you're around others.

You might:

• Rehearse what you’re going to say in your head

• Fixate on one small thing you said hours after an event

• Worry that people are judging you or that you didn’t “perform” right

• Feel uncomfortable in groups or new social situations

  
  

And sadly, when we start acting more withdrawn or uncertain in social settings, others might perceive us as distant or difficult to engage with — which reinforces the cycle of isolation.

Feeling alone is common for survivors of narcissistic relationships.

Narcissists and the Fear of Small Talk

Another interesting pattern I’ve noticed: many survivors of narcissistic abuse struggle with small talk. And it makes total sense.

Small talk is inherently superficial — and narcissists are often all about appearances over substance. If you’ve spent years in relationships where even the most minor comment could be twisted or used against you later, you learn to tread carefully. Every word becomes a potential weapon.

So it’s no wonder that chit-chat feels uncomfortable. It’s not necessarily that you’re "socially anxious" — it's that you're used to being hypervigilant, especially in larger or more superficial social settings.

What You Can Do to Start Healing

Here’s the hopeful part: there’s nothing inherently wrong with you. You don’t need to “fix” yourself or relearn how to connect. More likely, you’ve just been discouraged from showing up as your true self.

Here are some gentle steps to help:

1. Recognize where the anxiety comes from. Understanding that this anxiety is a result of abuse — not a flaw in you — is the first step to healing.

2. Start small. If big social groups feel overwhelming, try one-on-one interactions or smaller gatherings. Build safety and comfort slowly.

3. Challenge the inner critic. When you catch yourself overanalyzing or feeling "awkward," remind yourself that this is a protective habit you developed — not a sign of your worth.

4. Rebuild your self-trust. You are allowed to be expressive, spontaneous, and real. The goal is not perfection, but connection.

   
   

Reclaiming Your Confidence

One of the narcissist’s goals is to isolate you — to make you feel like you can’t trust others or yourself. The more confident and connected you become, the less power they have over you.

So remember: your ability to connect isn’t gone. It’s just been buried under fear, control, and years of subtle (or not-so-subtle) emotional manipulation.

You are not broken. You are recovering.

As always,

much love,

Chess xx