10 Things Parents Can Do (or Avoid) to Build a Better Relationship With Their Kids

As my work in estrangement expands to include estranged parents, I often find people reaching out to me in fear that their kids might choose to estrange one day. Whilst I firmly believe adult children do not estrange without very good reason, I also believe that parents' good intentions can get lost behind automatic behaviours. When your kids reach adulthood, the dynamics shift. The parental role you once held begins to evolve into one of mutual respect and understanding, and navigating that change requires careful attention. While you want to stay involved in their lives, it's important to avoid behaviors that may unintentionally alienate them.

Here are 10 things parents can do or avoid to build a better relationship with their adult children:

1) Avoid Expectations Around How Much You Will Be Involved in Your Child’s Life

As your children grow into adults, they naturally want to take ownership of their own lives, make their own decisions, and have their own space. Avoid imposing expectations on how much they should include you or how often you should be part of their daily routines. While it’s natural to want to stay close, it’s important to recognize that adult children may not want or need the same level of involvement they did when they were younger. Give them the room to define the relationship in ways that feel healthy for both of you.

2) Listen to Your Child—Don’t Assume You Know What They Will Say or That You Know Better

Even though you may have decades more experience, your child’s perspective on life is unique and true for them. Resist the urge to interrupt or assume that you know what they’re going to say. Listening without judgment or immediately offering advice can go a long way in strengthening your relationship. This is especially crucial when your child shares something vulnerable, as they want to feel heard and understood, and not be “fixed.”

3) Avoid Ignoring Their Boundaries

Adult children, like all adults, have boundaries, whether they relate to their time, personal space, or emotional needs. Respecting these boundaries is vital in keeping your relationship healthy. Don’t take it personally if they need space or if they decline certain invitations or requests. It’s important to be sensitive to their needs for independence and not push beyond the limits they set.

4) Avoid Taking Sides in Conflict Between Adult Siblings

As your children mature, they may have disagreements or conflicts with each other. While it might feel natural to want to take one child’s side over the other, try to stay neutral. Taking sides can create division and make one or both children feel unsupported or betrayed. Instead, offer support in helping them navigate their conflicts on their own, promoting healthy communication between siblings.

5) Don’t Use Other People to Influence Your Child When Your Influence Isn’t Working

Manipulating situations to try to get someone else (a family member or friend) to convince your child of something you want is not only ineffective—it can damage your relationship. Instead of using others as a pawn, have honest conversations with your child directly. While you may not always agree, it’s crucial to respect their autonomy and allow them to make their own decisions, even if they differ from yours.

6) Don’t Interfere in Your Child’s Life Choices

Your child is an adult, and that means they get to make their own life choices. Whether it’s their career, relationships, or living arrangements, it’s important to give them the space to make decisions on their own—even if you think those choices might not be the best. Offering advice when asked is one thing, but unsolicited advice or interference can come across as controlling or judgmental.

7) Realize You Aren’t Right Just Because Your Choice Would Be Different From Your Child’s

It’s easy to assume that your way is the right way, especially if your child’s choices don’t align with your values or your experiences. However, it’s essential to recognize that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to life. Your child’s life path may be different from yours, but that doesn’t mean they’re making the wrong choice. Give them the freedom to explore their own way, even if it differs from what you would do.

8) Realize Your Child Has Grown—Treat Them as the Adult They Are, Not the Child They Were

As a parent, it can be easy to slip into the habit of seeing your child as the child they once were. However, it’s important to recognize that they are adults now, with their own experiences, perspectives, and responsibilities. Acknowledge their growth and treat them with the same respect you would show to any other adult, understanding that they are fully capable of making decisions for themselves.

9) Understand That You Do Not Know Your Child Better Than They Know Themselves

While you may have known your child from birth, your understanding of them as an adult may not be as complete as you think. Their interests, desires, and life goals may have changed over the years, and they are the ones who truly know themselves best. It’s important to let go of the idea that you can always predict what’s best for them or know what they need, and instead, be open to learning about who they are now.

10) Don’t Minimize Difficult Childhood Events That Your Child May Have Experienced

Your child may have experienced hardships during their childhood that you are unaware of, or may still be processing. Whether it’s bullying, family conflict, or other difficult experiences, it’s crucial not to minimize or dismiss these events. Avoid telling your child to “get over it” or “move on.” Instead, validate their feelings and experiences, acknowledging that their struggles are real and important. Offering empathy and support can help you build a deeper connection.

Final Thoughts

Building a healthy, fulfilling relationship with your adult children requires patience, respect, and a willingness to evolve. Remember that your role as a parent shifts as they grow older, and it’s essential to let go of old expectations while embracing new ones. By respecting their boundaries, listening without judgment, and giving them the freedom to make their own decisions, you’ll foster a relationship based on mutual understanding and trust.

Parents who can adapt to the changing dynamics of their adult children’s lives will have the chance to create a lasting bond that honors both their roles as parents and their children’s independence.

As always, much love

Chess

xx