The Surprising Science of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is complicated. Which is curious for a word that gets tossed around daily as if it's no big deal. Its like forgiving is something we can have on our to-do list: do the laundry, renew the insurance, feed the cat, forgive your mother.

Just. Like. That.

But for those of us with complex families, forgiveness can feel like a hand grenade of a word. Life with difficult parents and siblings often means we’re constantly asked to accommodate others at the expense of our own needs. Sometimes, forgiveness is wielded by others as a tool to pressure us into doing what they want. There’s a moral implication at play, too. By not forgiving, we can be labeled as vengeful or emotionally immature. In short, the forgiveness discussion is a bit of a minefield.

To help navigate this tricky terrain, here are some basic principles of forgiveness to guide us.

Defining Forgiveness

First, let’s clarify what forgiveness actually means. It doesn’t mean condoning, forgetting, or making excuses for someone’s behavior. Instead, forgiveness is a mechanism we've developed to maintain social connections through imperfect relationships. As social creatures, we need a way to function within groups, so understanding and moving past difficulties is generally helpful. This process involves feeling empathy or some level of understanding toward the other person, allowing us to see a different perspective and move beyond the problem.

When we forgive in this way—by cultivating a compassionate perspective toward what happened—we often transition from feelings of being wronged, anger, or revenge to a softer, more accepting state. And as we know: being in a better emotional state is good for our physical and mental well-being.

The Fine Print of Forgiveness

However, like insurance policies and laundry instructions, the devil is in the fine print. It’s crucial to recognize that forgiving someone who has committed a serious wrongdoing can sometimes be a bad idea. If we forgive someone who is likely to harm us again, we risk letting our guard down and being too lenient. Moreover, not holding others accountable can lead us to wrongly assume responsibility for their behavior, which can chip away at our self-confidence and self-efficacy.

Take Your Time

So, if forgiveness is on your to-do list, take your time. Don’t rush through the process. It’s more complicated than many make it seem, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. Sometimes, forgiving can help; sometimes, it doesn’t serve us at all. A heartfelt reunion can happen at any time, but only when both parties are ready. And let’s be honest—there’s plenty on your to-do list to keep you busy until then!

As always, much love,

Chess

xxx

References

Lichtenfeld S, Maier MA, Buechner VL, Fernández Capo M. The Influence of Decisional and Emotional Forgiveness on Attributions. Front Psychol. 2019 Jun 25;10:1425. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6603330/ and Kim JJ, Payne ES, Tracy EL.

Indirect Effects of Forgiveness on Psychological Health Through Anger and Hope: A Parallel Mediation Analysis. J Relig Health. 2022 Oct;61(5):3729-3746. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10120569/