Should Estranged Children Have A Right To Inheritance?

There’s a common argument floating around that if you're estranged from your family, you shouldn't expect any inheritance. But this perspective is far too simplistic and fails to capture the complexities of estrangement and the deeper family dynamics at play. Estrangement isn’t always a clear-cut, voluntary choice, and inheritance can be tied to much deeper issues of power, control, and harm within families.

Estrangement is often not a simple ‘choice’

Some people argue that if you step away from a family relationship, you forfeit any right to inheritance. This view fails to consider one of the biggest reasons people become estranged in the first place—years of emotional neglect, abuse, or toxic family dynamics. Estrangement is rarely about abandoning family; for many, it's about survival and maintaining mental health after trying, sometimes for decades, to make an impossible relationship work.

When people cite reasons for estranging, it's not because they just couldn’t be bothered or had a minor falling-out. It’s often the culmination of years of deep, painful experiences where personal well-being is sacrificed in an attempt to maintain ties.

Inheritance as a financial incentive in abusive dynamics

I also worry that tying inheritance to staying in a family relationship can act as a financial incentive to remain in harmful, abusive, or neglectful situations. For someone in a toxic family, the fear of being disinherited can be weaponized as control. This manipulation might be overt—"Do what we say, or you’ll be cut off"—or it might be more subtle. Many of us know, on a deeper level, what will or won’t be accepted by our families. The threat of losing inheritance can create a situation where staying in an abusive relationship feels like the only option.

This dynamic perpetuates harm and traps people in unhealthy relationships. In some cases, those who’ve survived abusive childhoods or decades of abuse may also have chronic health problems that limit their ability to work, making an inheritance even more crucial for their survival.

When we talk about estrangement and inheritance, I hope we can distinguish between understanding why people leave toxic family dynamics and recognizing the delicate nature of inheritance—especially when it can involve life-changing sums of money.

Money and inheritance can get confusing in family relationships.

Monetizing family ties

Inheritance can become complicated when it’s tied to someone's interpretation of what a family relationship should look like. For example, I can understand an argument where one sibling, who gave up a career to care for an aging parent, might be seen as more entitled to inheritance than others. However, in general, I’m opposed to family relationships being 'for sale.'

I’ve often heard, and personally echo, the sentiment that my love for my parents was never about money. I would have, and still would, gladly exchange any idea of inheritance for a loving, close, supportive relationship with my parents.

Families can push people out

There’s also this idea that estrangement is always initiated by the person who becomes "the black sheep." But the reality is, family dynamics often create estrangement. Sometimes, family members intentionally isolate or scapegoat one individual, effectively pushing them out. This kind of forced estrangement isn’t a voluntary choice—it’s a consequence of systemic dysfunction within the family.

Many people in the scapegoat community have shared stories of being bullied, pressured, or isolated by multiple family members, often including at least one parent and sibling. Over time, this creates a family culture where someone is unfairly painted as the villain. The scapegoat is often the most vulnerable family member, someone who speaks up when they see dysfunction, someone empathetic and caring—an easy target for others.

The potential for malice in inheritance disputes

Inheritance isn’t just about money—it’s about legacy, power, and control. When one person has the ability to decide who gets what, it can breed bad behavior. In some cases, siblings or other relatives might exploit this dynamic to push someone out of the family in order to secure a larger share for themselves.

In countries like Sweden, where children cannot be entirely disinherited, there is a protective system in place that seeks to minimize these manipulative behaviors. Such a system benefits everyone involved, reducing the potential for inheritance to be weaponized and turning family relationships into power struggles.

Looking at my own family dynamics, I can’t help but wonder if there are underlying incentives that have influenced some of the estrangement in my life. I’ve started to realize that my estrangement may not have been solely about my actions but also about others’ motivations. This has made me reflect on how complicated these dynamics can truly be.

I'm grateful that systems like Sweden's exist, where safeguards are in place to reduce harm and ensure fairer outcomes in inheritance matters. It gives me hope that if similar protections existed elsewhere, things could be different.

We need to move beyond the simplistic narrative of "you walked away, so you don’t deserve anything." Family dynamics are far more complex than that, and inheritance often carries both emotional and financial weight that impacts people in profound ways. The systems we create should reflect these complexities, and prioritize fairness and protection from bad actors.

What if we could design systems that focus on empathy and fairness, helping to prevent harmful family dynamics from being further exacerbated by inheritance disputes? How might that change the way we approach family, estrangement, and the concept of inheritance?

Much love,

Chess xx