Reducing family stress during holiday season

There is increased pressure during the holidays around spending quality time with family.

Difficult families are often more concerned about looking good (warm, loving, fun) than actually making sure everyone is feeling good.

We can feel frustrated and deep sadness when we know the appearances are superficial. We can feel anger when people are treating us with disrespect. When we do not experience happy, harmonious, supportive family events we can feel lonely or that we are at fault.

Supportive families do their best at loving and accepting everyone. Faults are tolerated or pointed out kindly to help others. One sided criticism, unfounded in truth, that shames or represses rather than being supportive is not loving.

1. Have realistic expectations

Our family holiday patterns are unlikely to change- and they won't unless somebody initiates that change.

2. The holiday season is not a good time to change deep-seated family dynamics

   Change is hard for people normally, so any shift in the status quo will meet with resistance. It will be doubly hard during holidays because they are the time for tradition and higher-than-normal expectations. So let's make it easy on ourselves and not take that on.

   
   

   

   Family conflict can make us feel very lonely around the holidays

   
   

3. Don't set yourself up for conflict

   There are high expectations around the holidays- especially in families concerned about appearances. If you are the scapegoat in the family, you will automatically be first in line to be blamed when things go less than perfectly. Don't fall into their game by seeking out trouble and being the black sheep.

   
   

4. Make micro-changes

   Instead of looking for large-scale shifts in the family- which involve changes in other people's behaviours- look to make small changes yourself. Micro-changes

   are shifts in our perspective or behaviour that others may not notice or will struggle to argue with. These shift help keep us conscious that we are looking after ourselves, not just playing someone else's game. Micro-changes help remind us we are in control, which reduces stress.

   
   

   1. Micro-change 1: expect a difficult holiday season.

   2. Micro-change 2: reduce your time with your family. Say what you need to reduce friction so you can arrive late or leave early. Play down any changes

      you make. Leave it up to others to make it a big deal so they risk looking bad.

   3. Micro-change 3: Use self-talk to reassure yourself

      Your truth may be:

      - This is the last time

      - Next year will be different

      - I know who you really are

      - I am choosing this just for now

      
      

5. Remember that you always have a choice.

   Even if the choices all seem unpleasant, you are likely choosing the one with the best outcomes for you now. But being mindful that we can choose is a powerful mind-hack. It shifts control back to us, and reminds us that we have control. When we feel in control we are less anxious and stressed than when we feel out of control. And that is our goal!

As always, much love,

Chess

xx