Three Big Ways Narcissistic Parents Misunderstand Trust

Today I want to explore something that comes up again and again when we look at narcissistic family systems: how narcissistic parents misunderstand trust, and the impact that has on us as children and as adults.

These issues don’t magically disappear once we grow up. They can shape how we relate to ourselves, how we move through adult relationships, and—if we’re still in contact—how we try to relate to our parents.

There are three big misunderstandings I want to unpack.

1. The Entitlement to Trust

If you’ve spent time understanding narcissism, entitlement won’t be a new concept.

Narcissistic individuals often feel they deserve admiration, deference, and special treatment.

And within a parent–child dynamic, this entitlement can get even more complicated.

Many narcissistic parents see their children as an extension of themselves—something they own. That sense of ownership can show up in subtle ways:

• Feeling entitled to your time

• Expecting obedience without question

• Assuming they have the right to shape your beliefs, choices, or emotions

  
  

But here’s the fundamental truth: Ongoing trust in a relationship is not automatic.

Yes, children are born dependent. Out of necessity, they have no choice but to trust their caregivers. But that provisional, survival-based trust is not the same as earned trust. It’s not permanent.

And when that trust is repeatedly betrayed—through neglect, manipulation, dismissal, or harm—a child may not recognize it at the time. Kids overlook things. They blame themselves. They accept twisted narratives. They give second, third, fourth chances.

This makes it easy for narcissistic parents to take trust for granted. They don’t safeguard it. They don’t protect it. They assume it’s simply theirs.

But trust is a responsibility. And when a parent fails to uphold it—especially in childhood—that failure is a deep betrayal of the child’s emotional safety.

The trust a child puts in a parent is a big responsibility.

2. The Myth That Trust Is Negotiable

Another common pattern among narcissistic parents is the belief that trust is something they can bargain for—or buy.

Because they’re used to controlling other areas of life, they often assume the same logic applies to connection. They may believe that if they’ve damaged trust, they can simply:

• Offer a gift

• Do something nice

• Distract from the issue

• Claim they “meant well”

• Insist that their good intentions cancel out the harm

But trust doesn’t work that way.

Trust is not a transaction. It's not a bargain. It’s not a shiny object you can swap in for accountability.

Real trust is built over time, through:

• Consistency

• Honesty

• Transparency

• Follow-through

• Genuine accountability

• 
  

A narcissistic parent might skip your big moment, lie, or fail you in a meaningful way—and then expect everything to be fine because they cooked dinner or bought a gift or did something “nice” last week.

But repairing trust requires something very specific:

A real apology and a commitment to change.

In narcissistic family systems, you might get a half-apology, a vague apology, or an apology that somehow blames you. What you almost never get is the follow-through—an actual effort to not repeat the harm.

Without that, trust can’t be rebuilt. Not truly.

3. Treating Trust as Optional

The third misunderstanding is one of the most damaging: many narcissistic parents act as if trust simply isn’t necessary for the relationship to continue.

If their minimal attempts at repair don’t work, they may shrug it off:

“Fine, don’t trust me. We still have a relationship, so it doesn’t matter.”

When someone believes the relationship is obligatory, there’s no incentive to nurture trust. It becomes a dynamic rooted in power, not connection.

And when an adult child pushes back? Challenges the missing trust? Attempts to name what’s wrong?

Some narcissistic parents respond with:

• Gaslighting

• Manipulation

• Triangulating with other family members

• Punishment or withdrawal

• Pressure tactics

• Retaliation

• 
  

At that point, trust becomes a bargaining chip—something the parent can weaponize, rather than a value to protect.

The relationship stops being relational. It becomes transactional, hierarchical, and emotionally unsafe.

Final Thoughts

If any of this resonates with you, you’re not alone. Many of us raised in narcissistic family systems learned early on that trust was conditional, fragile, or completely one-sided.

But trust can be rebuilt in healthy relationships—just not unilaterally, and not through manipulation or entitlement.

As always, much love,

C xx