What is a Scapegoat, anyway?

The Scapegoat Club, SGC, came about as I was working through my recovery from an abusive, toxic, highly narcissistic family system. Somehow I reconnected with an old school friend at just the right time. She also had a narcissistic parent and just 'got it'. I knew that she understood, I didn't have to over-explain or justify. So, SGC came to life as I decided to share my experience, and offer the support my friend gave to me, to others who are experiencing family abuse.

The idea of a Scapegoat comes from an old Biblical term, where in ancient times, villagers would put all their sins onto a goat. When the goat was killed or released into the wild, it took the sins of the villagers with it. This allowed the villagers to rid themselves of their wrongdoings.

The term scapegoat has since been used by various academics and scholars when people are wrongly blamed for things they have not done, in order to save another person from owning their transgressions.

Sadly, in difficult family systems, there is often a Scapegoated child. The problems in the family can range from different types of mental illness, substance use or personality disorders. Effectively, some families struggle to manage difficulties, stress, or even more normal life changes and in order to accommodate these problems, they assign blame to a specific person. By putting the blame on another, it allows family members to not stand up to their responsibilities, address problems, have difficult conversations or face adversity.

Because the Scapegoat needs to be someone who will wrongly take the blame for others' problems, this family role is often assigned to a more vulnerable family member. A child, someone with a disability, or even someone more passive may end up in this situation.

If this sounds familiar to you, I know it is an awful realisation and a terrible situation to live through. However, please know these four things.

1) It is not your fault. You are not to blame for being assigned or perpetuating the scapegoat role. It was decided without your input, and will continue in the same way.

2) Being a scapegoat does not reflect on your worth as a person. You deserve love, understanding, respect, and care from loved ones.

3) You are not alone. This sadly happens in many family systems, though often is not openly talked about. If nobody else understands, please know that at the SGC you have support and understanding from others in the same situation.

4) You are stronger than you know and than you probably want to be. But to survive this abusive family role is truly an amazing thing. None of us chose it, but we can now choose where we channel that resilience. It is my hope you will focus that energy on your recovery, rather than on those who don't deserve it. Much love,

Chess xx