When Grandparents Cross The Line

I’ve been noticing something lately, and I’m wondering if you have too. Some grandparents seem less interested in their own children, but far more focused—almost obsessed—with access to their grandkids. They can be charming, fun, attentive, full of gifts and affection, all while ignoring their children’s boundaries or needs.

At first glance, this might look like love. But often, it’s about something else: power. Feeding the grandparents’ emotional needs rather than meeting the needs of their kids—or grandkids.

Many Grandparents Are Gold

Before I go further, I want to be clear: I’m not here to criticize grandparents in general. Many grandparents are wise, playful, and loving. They step in to help when parents are busy, give grandkids a sense of rootedness, and create meaningful bonds. Even in my challenging family, my grandmother was a shining light—a kind, loving figure in my childhood. So not all grandparents are problematic.

When the Dynamic Goes Wrong

But sometimes, the dynamic can go very wrong. I see it most often in strained families, where the relationship between parent and grandparent is already breaking down. In these cases, grandparents may bypass their adult children entirely and focus solely on the grandchildren. They may become distraught over limited access to their grandkids, while refusing to reflect on their relationship with their own child. In many instances, it seems like they’ve given up on their child—because the adult child is finally seeing the truth of the relationship—and pivot to the grandchildren as a new battleground.

The Shift in Family Power

Here’s why this shift happens: when a child becomes an adult and starts their own family, the balance of power changes. The adult child has new priorities and responsibilities. A healthy parent will adjust—they’ll step back, celebrate their child’s successes, and focus on their own life. But a narcissistic or emotionally immature parent often can’t tolerate the shift. Feeling replaced or dethroned, they grasp for a new role: the doting grandparent.

When “Love” Is Really About Supply

This can be confusing because their attention looks like love. They’re generous, engaged, playful, supportive. It’s tempting to think, Well, at least they’re being loving now. But often, it’s not about the grandkids at all. It’s about supply—emotional validation for the grandparent, not care for the child. The grandparent pours affection into receptive children, not to heal or strengthen the family, but to maintain their image as the “good one,” the warm, generous grandparent, or the innocent victim of family rifts.

The Dangers of Overstepping Boundaries

It can get more damaging. To preserve this fantasy, grandparents may override parental boundaries—sneaking treats behind the parents’ backs, breaking the rules, keeping secrets, or saying things like, “I’d love to see you more, but mommy won’t let me.” Grandchildren become tools, not connections. Some grandparents even use this as an emotional rewrite of the past: I messed up with you, but look how great I am with your child. It’s a way to polish their legacy without apologizing or making meaningful change.

The adult child can be erased or villainized. They’re no longer the person with legitimate boundaries; they become the obstacle between grandparent and grandchild. And it’s painful because often, the adult child still has space in their heart to reconnect—if the grandparent were truly willing to engage—but they’re overlooked. Resentment builds: Where were you when I needed you? And where are you now? All they’re seeking is respect and acknowledgment as both a child and a parent, yet they’re treated as a barrier.

Setting Boundaries Is Healthy

I want to stress: this isn’t about grandparents being “evil.” It’s often about legacy, shame, control, fear—the terror of being cut off from the family they desperately want to be part of.

If you find yourself in this dynamic—sandwiched between a grandparent and your child—know this: it is real. It is manipulative. And it is absolutely okay to set boundaries to protect yourself and your children. Being a grandparent is not a birthright—it is a relationship, and relationships start with respect.

A Message to Grandparents

If you’re a grandparent reading this and feeling defensive, I understand. You may love your grandchildren deeply and want to hold on to your family. But love that overrides boundaries isn’t love—it’s control, dressed up with a bow. If you truly want to preserve your relationship, step back. Be a loving grandparent, yes—but love your child too. Respect their rules, wishes, and ways of doing things.

From my heart to yours, wherever you are: hold your love kindly.

C xxx