“Well, It Wasn’t Abuse in My Day” — When “Tough Love” Was Just Harm

“I had worse from my parents, and I handled it. This generation is just too sensitive.”

How many of us who have distanced from our families have heard that before?

If we’re talking about well-meaning parents who made mistakes — who yelled sometimes, who didn’t always have the tools, who were imperfect but caring — that’s one thing. But that’s not what we’re talking about here.

We’re talking about parents who made patterns out of harm. We’re talking about a different level of damage altogether.

When Love Has Claws and Teeth

“It’s not about children not being given enough love. It’s about being born into a home where love has claws and teeth.”

Estrangement isn’t about being criticized too often or being “too sensitive.” It’s about growing up in an environment where being seen was dangerous. For some of us, our feelings became liabilities, and needs were turned into ammunition.

Children in these families learn that vulnerability is a weapon — not theirs, but their parents’. When they show emotion, it’s used against them. When they cry for help, it becomes a map of where to strike next time.

So they hide. They go quiet. They bury emotions deep underground, because every time they surface, they get attacked.

For some, parental love comes with claws and teeth.

Emotional Predation Disguised as Parenting

At some point, every child breaks. They cry. They beg. They say, “Please stop hurting me.”

But these parents don’t soften. They don’t comfort. They strategize.

“They take our pain and store it — not for empathy, but for leverage.”

That isn’t parenting. That’s emotional predation. And yet, when we talk about it, we’re told, “They did their best.”

But what if their best meant tearing us down when we were fragile? What if it meant mocking our pain, lying to others about us, or turning siblings against us just to keep control?

When love is control, no amount of effort makes it safe.

“But They’re Still Your Parents…”

Yes. They are. And that’s what makes it so soul-crushing.

“The ones who were supposed to support us saw our pain as weakness that could be useful.”

These kinds of parents didn’t want children — they wanted mirrors. And when we stopped reflecting what they wanted to see, they broke us for it.

So when people say, “You’ve only got one mother,” my answer is simple: Yes. And I got mine. I hope yours is different. But you don’t understand mine.

Why We Leave

We don’t estrange because we’re flaky or ungrateful. We don’t estrange because we lack morals or family values.

“We leave because our pain was no longer safe in their hands.”

Estrangement isn’t a trend or a tantrum. It’s a survival strategy.

When every expression of emotion becomes a trap, sometimes the only way to be safe is to step away.

Creating Safety Through Distance

Estrangement hurts. So does staying somewhere that’s chronically unsafe.

It took me years to stop handing my pain to people who saw it as a weakness — to realize I deserved more than to be used, mocked, or dismissed.

If you’re on that same journey — questioning, grieving, drawing your own line — you’re not alone. You deserve safety. You deserve peace. And if your family refuses to allow that, it’s okay to create safety through distance.

Action Point

Take a quiet moment this week to ask yourself:

Who in my life feels safe with my pain — and who uses it against me?

Write down what safety actually feels like in your body — the calm, the quiet, the unclenching. That’s your compass. Follow that.

Much love,

Chess xx