What can you do if your adult child cuts you off?

I get a lot of questions through YouTube @thescapegoatclub from parents asking variations of the same question: my adult child has cut me off- what can I do?

I strongly suggest doing just two things.

Number one- write a letter to your child saying you are sad, but will respect their decision, and hope one day they will be open to discussing your relationship.

Number two- get therapy.

If your response to these two ideas is discomfort, anger, incredulity, or something along the lines of 'that is ridiculous', 'I would never do that' and/or 'entitled kids- F&*%$ them!', then great. Why?

Because it shows this is where you need to start.

Because it shows you likely do not openly communicate loving, respectful support to your child and that is very probably a good reason why they have decided they no longer want to communicate with you.

Another very common comment I hear from estranged parents is how aware they are of the problems that their child had growing up, because of the challenges they- the parents- had. Now the parent is aware, is sorry and wonders what can they do because their child isn't open to them. Well, sadly, having difficult childhoods can have many implications for when we grow up. And unfortunately, simply seeing it as a parent, doesn't mean the damage miraculously goes away for your child.

I also hear parents say that their children didn't have a problematic childhood, or that kids are too selfish, entitled or have no sense of duty towards their families. Well, that could be accurate. However, saying that to an adult who has decided they don't need you in their life

will only alienate them further. Because they now know they do not have to continue their relationship with you.

What about parents who are in the situation of kids cutting them off to deliberately hurt them. I know this happens too. But even so, the two steps above would still apply. Especially step two. If you are being abused by a difficult child, then getting professional help is incredibly important for managing, healing, and moving forwards. Also, if a child is trying to hurt you by distancing, then sending a letter with firm but fair boundaries, showing you won't chase them, will hopefully reduce potential cycles of running and chasing, and move it to a more stable, healthy dynamic.

So, hopefully you are open to writing to your child and are wondering what to say. Here are some guidelines.

1. Write to them within a short period of time- a week or so. Leaving it too long will give the message you don't care that they decided to cut you off. Presumably this is not the case. However, don't write straight away in the middle of an emotional outburst. Write, then leave the letter overnight to read with a clear head in the morning. Putting your emotional turmoil on your child is a bad idea- more about that below.

2. Don't text or email. Your relationship with your child is serious and important- letter writing conveys this. Emails and texts can be misinterpreted or may be viewed as flippant or insincere. Also, they can be read anywhere, anytime. Your child may be at work, busy juggling the kids or school or work. There's no guarantee a letter won't be read at a bad time, but it's less likely than with a text or email. And if writing a letter seems uncomfortable or foreign to you- maybe you've never written a letter to your child - then even better. Your child thinks there is no point in communicating with you because nothing will change. You can show this is not the case straight away through sending a thoughtful, handwritten note.

3. Keep the letter brief, loving and supportive. You know you are feeling hurt, angry, confused, scared, frustrated, or perhaps all of those things. That's ok, that is normal and shows how important this relationship is for you. But keep those feelings for your therapist. Putting them onto a child who has already decided your relationship is not working will push them further away.

4. Leave the door open for future communication. By letting your child know you will respect their wishes but hope they will change their mind, they will know that as and when they decide they do want to reconnect with you, they will be welcomed back into love, not disapproval, anger, or animosity.

These steps may sound obvious, but so often our closest relationships are the ones we take for granted, slip into old patterns, and we take for granted. You want to explicitly let your child know how much they mean to you, and that you really, truly want another chance at being in their lives. Not sure what to write? Feel free to use the template below. Adding in a detail or two to make it personal would be wonderful. Putting in a lot more could detract from the simple message that you love them and will always want to reconnect.

Dear (son/daughter/child),

I understand that you do not want to talk to me any longer. I am very sad that you feel this way, however I will respect your decision. I know that I wasn't always the best parent, and I would value the chance to understand where things went wrong for you if ever you feel ready.

I love you very much, and always will,

Love mom/dad/grammie

Coming back to the second point about therapy. I'll keep it brief. Estrangement is incredibly hard. Having a neutral perspective, hopefully from a therapist who is experienced in family relationships, is worth the investment in supporting you and working through the pain. Going to therapy also should help you work on other ways to communicate and relate to those around you. In seeking help, you are not admitting failure, or wrongdoing, you are simply showing that you are open to learning, growing, and adapting.

If your child has walked away from your relationship then one thing is for sure: something needs to change to get it back on track. It doesn't mean it's all up to you, but for the sake of reconnecting with your child, therapy should be worth a shot.

Sending love and support in turbulent times.

Take care,

Chess xxx