Underhand ways a narcissist will try to win an argument

Winning an argument against a narcissist, as any scapegoat will know, is a futile endeavor. They are masters at manipulation. We think we have a bomb-proof case and within minutes the tables have been turned and somehow we are wrong, backing down, or confused about what happened. Worse case scenario is somehow we have made the narcissist angry, and we now have to deal with unpredictable rage. So, how exactly do narcissists manage to always turn the tables and walk away from an argument with the upper hand. Here are some tactics.

1) Insulting you, instead of your point of view.

Narcissists will personalise everything. According to narcissistic logic what people do, say, act or even own, are a reflection of the person. Because #narcissists themselves identify themselves as these aspects, they see others in the same way. So, if a person says something the narcissist doesn't like, or doesn't agree with, they view that person as unlikable, or unpleasant. There is no differentiation between a person's perspective and their existence as a person.

So, if a narcissist wants to win an argument, they will quickly revert to insulting the person behind the opposite point of view. It may be really overt- saying someone is an idiot for having a different opinion. Or it may be more subtle, like laughing at somebody's accent, or making the speaker self-conscious in another way so they back down or exit the discussion. It's childish, disrespectful, and very unpleasant to be around. Which makes it very effective for the narcissist.

2) Bringing up previous problems or irrelevant details.

If the narcissist thinks they can't win an argument they will revisit old arguments, focus on our weaknesses, or even bring unrelated points into the discussion. You may be talking about your concerns about the way the narcissist spoke to your mother at dinner, and then the narcissist will use the excuse that the meal was late, or you undercooked the meat, to distract from your valid grievance. Often the distraction will focus on your insecurity, or a previous argument where you made a mistake (once you did serve a slightly too rare roast). Focusing on our insecurities makes us less confident in making our point at hand and allows the conversation to get off topic. If this is a tactic you are often subjected to, remember to focus the conversation back to the topic at hand. Saying things like "that's not what we are talking about right now" in a calm and neutral voice, to show that you are not going off topic may help.

Keep your eye on the discussion at hand. Try not to be led off course.

3) Walking away or ghosting.

If a narcissist can't make any headway in the argument they will cut and run. Once they are out of the discussion their selective memory kicks in, and they will deny it happened, or even argue that there was a different outcome. They may use the age-old avoidance tactic of "agreeing to disagree", which, in narcissistic terms means "I will pretend we didn't have this conversation, or I will rewrite the ending and tell you that you agreed with me after all".

4) Rage.

If things are going really against a narcissist, then a common result is rage. Depending on your particular flavour of narcissist, this may show up sooner than later. The anger a narcissist feels when they are not in control is a narcissistic injury, which activates their formidable defences. Attack is a very useful form of defence for a narcissist, and those of us unfortunate to have this in a parent or powerful partner know that this is the time to retreat. If we are approaching a situation where we may be attacked physically or verbally, it is natural and potentially life-saving to retreat. So in this situation, even though it is not fair, not right, and not reasonable to do so, we need to manage our safety, and back away from the situation.

5) Guilt.

Making us feel guilty, or taking the role of the #victim is again classic narcissism. If we continue to hold our opinion we may be accused of being selfish or uncaring. Particularly if we are asserting our own need over that of the narcissist, we may come up against a passive-aggressive response, like "well, if you feel you have to leave and can't spare the time to help me". For this one, knowing it may come is always helpful. Making sure that we are being reasonable and yet firm, not taking the bait of the guilt-trip and remembering that it is not selfish to voice and attend to our own needs, all help. Despite all the above, it is always good to remember that narcissists thrive on disharmony. They get #narcissisticsupply from promoting disagreements. So, avoiding any argument with a narcissist is by far our best tactic for winning. Take care, and much love, Chess

xx