The lack of closure with family estrangement

I never thought I would end up estranged from my family. That was something that happened to other people, not me, not us. But when I did think about estrangement, I had this fantasy idea that it was a case of "we've agreed to go our separate ways because the relationship is clearly difficult for everyone". Kind of like the unconscious coupling story that Gwyneth and Chris fed to media ahead of their impending divorce. I mean, I get it, nobody wants to share their deep pain, big fights and the ugly side of separation. But, as with so many things, the more we sugar coat the less-than-ideal side of life, the harder it is to manage our expectations, and reality when it hits.

My experience of estrangement has been so far away from a sad but necessary decision to decouple, and I don't think I am alone. Especially if we are estranging from parents or other family members with whom we have been involved in difficult, confusing dynamics for a long time.

We can be plagued with feelings which may include-

1) I should be the bigger person and deal with this in a different way

2) if they could just see me/the situation differently this wouldn't have to happen

3) not speaking is not a healthy way to manage conflict

and of course the deep, soul-cutting hurt of shame, sadness, betrayal and guilt that comes with a family rift.

And when we are separating from a narcissistic person, we are also adding on the confusion that they bring to every situation. They will deny history, or repaint their part in it. They may future-fake and promise that everything will change if we just stick with it. There may be blackmail or shame attributed to our actions. And, predictably, they will end up being the victim of our callous and uncaring behaviour. "If we loved them, how could we possibly do this?" When we finally cut contact the response may be rage, more abuse, emotional blackmail, smear campaigns or just endless hoovering- contacting us again and again to try to bring us back in.

The loose ends and unfinished business can really play on our resolve to keep distanced. Especially if our lives improve as a result of leaving. We feel better, life is good, we have more confidence and control. We can ask ourselves "maybe now I can handle them better", and in the case of elderly parents "whilst there is still time....."

It's all very confusing, and incredibly hard. Because separating from family is biologically unnatural and socially unacceptable. But, there is a reason why we left. We do not want to return to an abusive relationship. And as long as they don't or cannot change, we have made the best decision we could in the terrible circumstances we were given.

So, where do we get closure when things aren't closed?

How do we find closure in unfinished business?

A good place to start would be to ask ourselves what closure means or would look like for us? It will be different for us all, but speaking personally, I see closure as a way to feel at peace and some level of finality with what has happened.

Some people may get a feeling of closure from religion, meditation or other spiritual practices. Some may get it from close relationships with others, meaningful work, an absorbing hobby, time in nature or with a beloved pet. Whatever closure is and may look like, I think it's good to realise we can't think or rationalise our way to closure in an irrational situation. Narcissism is illogical, maddening, confusing, frustrating and heartbreaking. In the face of this, we need to do what the narcissist doesn't want us to do and really can't understand. We need to feel our way to feeling peace.

Please be kind and patient with yourself if you are dealing with a family break-up. They hurt and we need to give ourselves space for that. Let me know in the comments how you have come to terms with your family estrangement, or how you are struggling with the situation. Talking (or writing) about it helps too. Much love,

Chess

xxx