The Emotional Toll of Family Estrangement

By Chess Dugas – Psychotherapist, Coach, and Survivor of a Difficult Family

I want to talk about something we don’t always acknowledge enough: the emotional work that happens long before estrangement.

It’s easy to focus on the moment someone goes no contact, as if that’s where the story starts. But anyone who’s lived it knows: the actual estrangement is just the tip of the iceberg.

What lives beneath is years—sometimes decades—of emotional labor. Quiet heartache. Complicated hope. Bone-deep exhaustion.

And contrary to how it might look from the outside, most people don’t estrange because they stopped caring. They estrange because they cared too much, for too long, and it nearly broke them.

Estrangement Is Rarely a First Choice

For most of us, estrangement isn’t impulsive. It’s not a tantrum or revenge or a failure to try. It’s what happens after trying everything else.

• We try communicating clearly.

• We try putting our needs aside.

• We try being who they want us to be.

• We try again and again and again.

  
  

Until we can't.

And when we finally walk away, it’s not because we want to. It’s because staying has started to cost more than we can carry.

Scapegoats Carry the Weight

This story rings especially true for adult children who grew up in narcissistic or dysfunctional families—those of us who were scapegoated, parentified, or designated as the emotional shock absorber.

We’re the ones who made peace, smoothed conflict, folded ourselves into shapes that fit everyone else’s comfort. We knew exactly what needed to change—but we were always the ones expected to change first. Or only.

And then one day, we stop. Not because we don’t know how to fix it…But because we’ve finally realized we’re the only ones who ever try.

It’s Not Just the Harm, It’s the Refusal to See the Harm

Sometimes estrangement is triggered by a specific event—a betrayal, a harsh word, a boundary crossed one too many times. Other times, it’s the build-up of unresolved hurts that go ignored, dismissed, or even mocked.

But the deeper pain—the more unbearable grief—often isn’t what happened.

It’s that the people who say they love us wouldn’t even look at what’s happening.

They won’t acknowledge it. They won’t name it. They won’t meet us in the middle—even when we’re on our knees asking them to.

That absence of recognition? That’s what finally breaks us.

The emotional baggage of estrangement often starts years before leaving.

These Relationships Could Be Saved

Here’s one of the hardest truths: many of us wanted to stay. We didn’t want estrangement. We wanted a sign. A tiny gesture. A whisper of accountability.

We weren’t asking for perfection—we were asking for effort. For curiosity. For a willingness to reflect.

But when nothing changes, and the emotional gymnastics required to stay become unbearable, we have no choice.

We’re left carrying grief, rage, confusion, and love all at once—and often we carry it alone.

Staying Hurts. Leaving Hurts. But Staying Forever? That Can Destroy You.

Eventually, our mental and physical health starts to crack under the pressure. We burn out. Our self-worth erodes. We lose joy, sleep, clarity.

And at some point, many of us reach this realization:

I don't want to carry this anymore. I shouldn't have to. I can't.

And so we leave—not as an act of cruelty, but of survival.

The Aftermath: When Family Acts Shocked

What happens next is almost always the same: the family acts stunned.“What happened?” “Where did this come from?”

But for us, it didn’t come out of nowhere. We’ve been explaining ourselves for years. They just weren’t listening. And now, suddenly, because we’ve shut the door… they’re banging on it in panic.

Sometimes that response—of confusion, anger, denial—is worse than the original hurt. Because it proves they still haven’t heard a word.

A Message to Parents and Family Members

If you’re reading this as a parent, a sibling, or a relative who’s been estranged—please know this is not an attack. It’s not blame. It’s not about shame.

It’s about understanding.

Estrangement hurts everyone. But if someone in your life has walked away, they likely did so after extraordinary effort to stay. They likely had a very good reason.

If you want a path back, the first step isn’t reaching out in anger. It’s asking:

• What was it like for them?

• What was my part in this?

• Am I willing to listen with humility instead of defending myself?

• 
  

Because that’s what healing takes: curiosity, compassion, and the courage to change.

Final Thoughts

Whatever brings you here today—whether you’re someone who’s estranged, or someone trying to understand it—I want you to know this:

You’re not wrong for needing peace. You’re not weak for drawing a line. You’re not unloving for walking away from people who couldn’t love you well.

Take care of your heart. You’ve been carrying enough.

Until next time, friends—please be gentle with yourselves.

Much love,

– Chess xx