The "Dos and Don’ts" of Family Estrangement

- Navigating a Difficult Decision

Estrangement is a complex and emotionally charged decision that can impact every aspect of your life. Whether it's distancing yourself from a family member, friend, or significant other, it’s important to approach this choice with care and consideration. Here are ten key "dos and don’ts" to guide you through this challenging process.

1. Do Prioritize Your Health and Safety

Your well-being should always be your top priority. If your relationship is putting you in physical danger or contributing to severe mental health issues, such as thoughts of self-harm or suicide, it’s crucial to reassess whether continuing this relationship is in your best interest. Long-term health problems tied to the relationship are also a significant red flag that shouldn't be ignored.

2. Don’t Estrange Out of Spite or Vengeance

Estrangement should never be used as a tool for revenge or to inflict pain on another person. Acting out of spite can be damaging to both parties involved. It often leads to more harm than healing and can leave you with feelings of guilt and regret.

3. Do Take Long-Term Problematic Patterns Seriously

Recurring issues in a relationship, especially those that have persisted in families over a long period, need to be addressed with seriousness. Patterns of toxic behavior rarely resolve on their own and may require significant changes that are often difficult to achieve.

Cracks can run so deep it is out of our ability to repair them.

4. Don’t Make a Snap Decision on Estrangement

It’s important to avoid making hasty decisions when it comes to estrangement. Relationships are complex, and everyone makes mistakes. Before cutting ties, consider whether the issue at hand is a temporary conflict or part of a larger, more troubling pattern. Allow yourself to give and receive grace when appropriate.

5. Do Communicate Your Concerns Clearly

If you’re considering estrangement, it’s important to communicate your concerns directly and honestly. Writing down your thoughts in a letter or email can be an effective way to articulate your feelings. Clear communication can sometimes lead to positive change and also provides you with the peace of mind that you’ve done your best to resolve the situation.

6. Don’t Make Excuses for Ongoing Bad Behavior

If someone’s behavior is continuously harmful, and they refuse to change despite your requests, it’s essential not to make excuses for them. Persistent toxic behavior is a sign that the relationship may not be salvageable, and it’s important to take this seriously.

7. Do Think Ahead

Consider your future and whether you can live the life you want with this person in it. Ideally, those close to us should support our growth and happiness. If someone consistently hinders your progress, it may be time to reconsider their place in your life.

8. Don’t Dwell on What You’ll Miss

It’s natural to feel a sense of loss when considering estrangement, especially when thinking about missing out on birthdays, family gatherings, and holidays. However, it’s important to recognize that we often romanticize relationships, imagining them to be better than they are. If the relationship has been a source of stress and unhappiness, these events are unlikely to bring joy. Instead, focus on building meaningful connections with people who genuinely support and uplift you.

9. Do Get Support from Trusted People

Surround yourself with individuals who have your best interests at heart. Trusted friends, family members, or therapists can provide valuable perspective and support as you navigate the decision to estrange.

Sometimes family comprises people and experiences we don't expect.

10. Don’t Seek Advice from Those with Agendas

Be cautious about where you seek advice. Avoid people who have their own agendas, are likely to judge you, or whom you can’t trust. These individuals may give you advice that serves their own interests rather than yours.

Estrangement is never an easy decision, but sometimes it’s necessary for your own well-being. By following these dos and don’ts, you can approach the situation with clarity and purpose, ensuring that whatever decision you make is in your best interest and handled with the care it deserves.

Much love,

Chess

xx