Reasons we struggle to leave our narcissistic families

Deciding on whether to stay in or leave our MUFOOs (messed-up-families-of-origin) can be really complicated. Firstly, we have to see the dysfunction and toxicity for what it is, rather than normal or just how it is in our families. We can excuse, be blinded, or tolerate so many things for such a long time that we almost become immune to it.

But sooner or later the reality does catch up with us. It could be that our MUFOO life contrasts and conflicts so much with the rest of our lives that they are no longer compatible. It may be that our health finally gives way and we start to fall apart physically from the strain of decades of abuse. There may be a catalyst that we can no longer ignore- behaviour against ourselves or new important people in our lives that clashes with what we need. Seeing the gap between how our families are and what we need, can be incredibly unnerving, traumatic, sad, and scary. And being in this place, looking down the barrel of the 'do I leave' gun, is tough. Here are a few things I believe we struggle with, when we are debating what we do next. I hope that by sharing them, they shed some light on what you are tussling with, and perhaps show a way forwards.

It's hard to know which way to turn when faced with the reality of a toxic family system

One reason we stay with a MUFOO is because we hope they will change. If we could just have that conversation and explain things differently. When that person isn't so stressed about work or their health, things will change. Or, surely, over time they will see that they are being unreasonable and come around to understanding our perspective. We cling on to the idea that they will change because, in the case of narcissism, often we are dealing with the crazy, illogical, and delusional. But, sadly, without a good reason for change, family systems are unlikely to evolve. They are stable in their dysfunction, and they support a lot of other people who would suffer greatly with a new reality.

Is change possible? Absolutely. But is it likely? If the dynamic has been going on for years, it's very unlikely. If we've been trying to change things but having no success- the odds are miniscule. So, the tough question to ask ourselves is whether we are being irrational by hoping for change when all indicators point to it staying the same.

A second reason we can struggle to leave our families is that we believe, on some level, that we are the problem and are to blame for things going wrong. If we are the scapegoats in the MUFOO, we have been assigned this role from day 1, and most likely will believe it ourselves. We internalise the story that we are deficient, selfish, deviant, or bad, and that if only we could change, everything would be ok. You know what I'm going to say now. Nobody is perfect, but if you have tried to have a rational and reasonable conversation with your family, if you have tried to share your needs and opinions and it has fallen on deaf ears, been denied, or ignored. You- are- not- the- problem. That is their version of the facts, that supports their needs. As long as they can blame us for being the source of the problem, they don't have to look at themselves. It's wrong, it's lazy, it's abusive and it is untrue. Again: you are not the problem.

Another reason not to leave family is our ideals and beliefs about family. Most of us live in cultures where we believe that family is important, and we should stick together. Leaving family is seen as taboo and wrong. But here's the flip side to the ideal family: families are those people who always have our backs, who we can rely on no matter what, and who love and accept us unconditionally. You can't have one side of the ideal family and not the other. But dysfunctional families are all about the obligations and façade, without backing it up when we need it. So, yes, sticking with our people through difficult times, loving each other, and being there for each other is very much a good thing. But this may not apply to the people we were born with.

The last reason for staying with our MUFOO is that we can somehow find a way to manage the situation. This is a very individual decision and will vary greatly on the individuals in the family, the severity of the dysfunction, the amount of contact required to be within the family unit, and the health and supports we have outside the family. If, and this is a very big IF, the situation is less like abuse and more like annoyance or difficulty, if we can limit our time with these people, if we can live our lives more or less without too much of their interference, and we have other supports that help dilute the toxic noise to manageable levels, then maybe there is a way to continue having a role in the charade. But, if we are relying on ourselves attaining a monk-like level of acceptance, self-control, and presence, in the face of ongoing abuse, opening old wounds over and over, then, I hope you can know that this is not an option for a healthy, sustainable future. If you are looking at distancing or estranging from your family, please know how difficult the situation is. Seeking professional help and being kind to ourselves is key when we are dealing with these dynamics.

Take care, be kind to yourself and be safe.

Much love,

Chess xx