I Didn't Walk Away to Teach You a Lesson, I Walked Away Because I Learned Mine

I've been reflecting on a meme I saw recently in social media, which resonated with my choice to estrange from my family. That meme is "I Didn't Walk Away to Teach You a Lesson, I Walked Away Because I Learned Mine".

Walking away from a relationship, especially one with your parents, is never an easy decision. For those of us who have experienced life with narcissistic parents, it's often a necessary step toward healing and self-preservation. Here are some of the lessons I've gathered from my journey.

1. Self-Worth is Independent of External Validation

No matter what I did, it was never enough for my parents. Whether my actions were acceptable or even praised when performed by others, I always seemed to fall short in their eyes. To them, I was fundamentally a failure. But through this, I discovered something invaluable: I do not disappoint myself. While I'm not perfect, I consistently strive for improvement. I take pride in my efforts and the progress I make, and that's what truly matters.

2. Love Should Not Come with Conditions

My parents' love, if it came at all, always had strings attached. It felt like a privilege granted by their benevolence rather than something I naturally deserved. This conditional love made me feel unworthy. However, I've come to realize that I do deserve love. I haven't committed any immoral acts or serious transgressions that make me undeserving of genuine human connection. I am deserving of love, without conditions, especially from those who claim to be closest to me.

3. Trust is Earned Through Consistent Actions

I learned that I cannot trust them. Words are empty without actions to back them up. When their actions repeatedly contradicted their words, the truth became clear. Trust is something that is built over time through consistency and honesty, and unfortunately, their actions proved otherwise.

4. Core Values are Non-Negotiable

I've learned how I do not want to live. Truth, kindness, reason, respect, and decency are the cornerstones of my existence, and I am not willing to compromise on these values. Living in fear, confusion, taught me the importance of these fundamentals. I spent decades longing for even the tiniest sliver of kindness. That taught me the immense damage caused by rejecting people or exploiting their pain and vulnerability for power. I refuse to live a life that compromises human decency, morality, or kindness.

5. Peace Comes with Distance

When there is distance between my parents and I, I find more peace. Living in their chaotic world with ever-changing rules, constantly striving for their affection or merely trying to avoid your disapproval, was exhausting. In their absence, I realize I can function well in the world. I can communicate with others, achieve my goals, and I am not abhorrent. I don't want to spend my life fighting for my existence or my point of view. It takes too much time and energy. I have one life, and I need to live it according to a set of values that make sense to me. If my way of living is unacceptable to others- no matter who- that is unfortunate, but I need to stand my ground.

Walking away was not about teaching them a lesson; it was about embracing the lessons I learned. My journey is about self-discovery, understanding my worth, and striving to live a life aligned with my values. I hope sharing these lessons resonates with other of you who might be facing similar challenges.

As always, much love

Chess

xxx