Family estrangement and funerals. To go or not to go?

Are you grappling with the heartache and confusion of family estrangement? Even if you were the one who decided to make the break, the pain cuts very deeply. And it is messy. So messy.

Estrangement affects a lot of people, and everyone has an opinion. For many, family rifts are taboo and unforgivable.

So, what do you do, when the worst gets even more hellish. Somebody dies. What do you do? Should you attend the funeral? Here are a few questions to ask yourself which might help you make the decision.

Question 1: Are you invited? Even though not having an invitation doesn't preclude you from going- after all, you are a part of the family, estranged or not- and you have a right to mourn as much as anyone else. However, considering whether that invitation came, may be an indication as to the how the rest of the family feel about you showing up. If you left the family for your own sake, then going to a funeral when you were not invited could be opening yourself up to more harm. Something to think about.

Question 2: Would you be going for your own reasons or those of somebody else?

Death, grief, loss, and mourning are all very personal. When we have a complicated family relationship, this process gets even more difficult to navigate. Trying to decide whether we are going for our own sake, or to please (or make a point) to other people is important in figuring out what the best decision is for you at this time.

Is there another way to mourn?

What about regret?

And here's just an aside on the idea that 'if we don't go we'll regret it'. Well, regret, in my experience, comes with following other people's ideas or making decisions without really thinking them through. This is a lose-lose scenario. There is no right answer. There is no decision that will make a messy situation clean, shiny and picture-perfect. We can only think carefully about what is right for us, and do the best we can right now.

Question 3: How do you mourn?

As I said, mourning a loss is very personal, and we all have our own ways of working through grief. For some, religion, spirituality and tradition are incredibly important. For others, it may be more about celebrating with a few close friends. Some of us need to get out into nature. Some need music, song or to do a specific activity and remember. Thinking about what is right for you to process and move through your loss is most important. Because here's the thing, this is your loss. Nobody else's. Others may be impacted, but they are following their own grief journey. We may decide we want to be with them and support them through a shared bond. We may not be able to or want to find that bond with them.

Thinking about the different ways we can mourn may help to decide whether to attend the funeral or not. If there are other ways you can mourn, in a more authentic, peaceful, or healing way, this may be a better choice.

As always, friends, please take care. And if you can, please seek support around mourning a loss. Finding a grief counsellor or contacting MyGriefAngels may be really helpful.

Love Chess xxx