Do Narcissists Know What They’re Doing?

Today, I want to tackle a question I hear all the time: Do narcissists actually know what they’re doing? Do they realize how much they’re hurting us?

I’m going to answer that question directly—but then I also want to dig into something just as important: Why we keep asking ourselves that in the first place. Because many of us get stuck on this question. And that stuckness can keep us in harm’s way longer than we ever intended.

So... Do Narcissists Know What They’re Doing?

The short answer, based on research, clinical experience, and what I hear every day from clients and colleagues: Yes. They do.

They are acting consciously. They are making deliberate choices.

And while it’s tempting to believe they’re just confused, unaware, or lacking insight, the truth is much harder: Narcissists are often highly intelligent, socially adept people. They hold down good jobs. They can be charming. They can be pillars of the community.

They know how to behave when they want to. They understand social norms. They know what kindness looks like. They are capable of playing by the rules—and often do so when it serves them.

So the question isn’t can they behave well. It’s: why don’t they, with you?

But Do They Know They’re Hurting Us?

This is where things get murkier—and more dangerous.

In my experience, narcissists are driven by one thing above all else: the preservation of their ego. Their need to feel good about themselves overrides everything else.

They make choices that protect their fragile self-image. If those choices hurt you, that’s not the point. You’re not the focus. You’re simply collateral damage.

It’s not always that they set out to hurt you. It’s that they’re not prioritizing not hurting you. And if your pain is the price of them feeling okay, they’ll pay it without hesitation.

That’s the heart of the pathology: Their narcissism comes first. Everyone else—even people they claim to love—comes second.

They often justify their behavior to themselves. They have to. Otherwise they’d have to sit with the truth—that they’ve deeply hurt others. And that would require self-reflection, accountability, and change. Many narcissists simply aren’t capable of that.

So instead, they tell themselves stories. They rewrite reality. They bend facts to maintain a sense of righteousness.

And that’s where cognitive dissonance comes in.

Cognitive Dissonance and Justifying Harm

Cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort of holding two conflicting beliefs at once. For example: “I’m a good person” and “I just treated someone horribly.”

Most people, when they feel that dissonance, reflect. They apologize. They change.

But narcissists take a different route: They change the story so they can keep believing they’re good. They twist the narrative so that you’re the problem, not them.

Let me give a quick personal example.

Narcissists will change the story to justify their actions.

My father used to drive aggressively—terrifyingly so. But he justified it. He’d say, “Well, everyone else is just driving too slowly.” Or, “If everyone sped up, there wouldn’t be any danger.”

In his mind, the problem was never his behavior. It was the world around him. His driving wasn’t dangerous—it was necessary.

This is a classic narcissistic strategy. They twist the facts so that they’re always right. Even when they’re clearly wrong.

So yes—they know what they’re doing. They just think they’re justified.

And that’s a dangerous place for us to share.

When You're in the Narcissist's Reality

When you're close to a narcissist—whether as a partner, child, or friend—they need you to buy into their version of the truth too.

That’s where the manipulation starts.

“I wouldn’t have gotten angry if you hadn’t…”“You’re too sensitive.”“You misremembered.”

Sound familiar?

Over time, we start doubting ourselves. Our perceptions. Our memories. Our truth. And that’s how gaslighting works. It’s not just about confusion—it’s about control. It’s about keeping you inside their distorted version of reality.

And it’s deeply damaging.

Why We Keep Asking “Do They Know?”

This brings me to the second half of the conversation—the part that often gets overlooked.

Why do we keep asking whether they know what they’re doing?

I think there are a few key reasons:

1. Because we love them. If this person is a parent or a partner or someone we’ve spent years with, we want to believe they’re good at heart. That they just don’t understand. Because if they do understand—if they know they’re hurting us—then we’re in love with someone who’s capable of cruelty. And that’s heartbreaking.

   
   

2. Because the truth is unbearable. If they do know, then we have to reckon with the reality that someone we trusted is willing to hurt us—and not stop. That’s a terrifying thing to admit. Especially when we’re still emotionally attached to them.

   
   

3. Because we’re wired differently. Most people just aren’t built like narcissists. We have empathy. We feel guilt. We care how our actions impact others. And so it’s nearly impossible for us to fully comprehend someone who doesn’t operate that way. It doesn’t compute.

   
   

4. Because they fooled us. Narcissists can be incredibly convincing. They can be loving. Affectionate. Charming. For a while. They can even show real-seeming remorse or affection… until the mask slips.

   
   

So we cling to those moments. We tell ourselves, “They must not realize. Otherwise they wouldn’t…” But the horrible truth is- they do know.

Because if they can behave well sometimes… it means it’s a choice.

So Where Does That Leave Us?

It leaves us with pain. Grief. Anger. But it also leaves us with clarity.

Because once we accept that they do know what they’re doing—no matter how they justify it—we can start to make informed choices.

We can stop waiting for them to change. We can stop twisting ourselves into knots trying to get through. We can start prioritizing ourselves.

And we can choose healthier, more respectful relationships—ones built on mutual care and truth.

Thanks for being here. If this resonated with you, please take good care of yourself. I know this is heavy. But truth, even when it hurts, can also set us free.

Until next time,

Chess 💛