7 ways a covert narcissistic parent will try to undermine our happiness

Covert narcissists are threatened by other people's positivity, happiness or successes. Because they are so fragile and unhappy, they are deeply jealous of others' achievements. Here are seven common tactics a covert narcissistic parent can try to undermine their child's positivity.

1) Belittling. If your success is minimal, it won't provoke envy in the narcissist. So they will downplay or minimize our achievement. You got a good job? Well, the neighbour's son just got his doctorate. You got an award at school? Great, but you weren't valedictorian. The covert narcissist will always find a way to take the edge off your happiness.

2) Taking the credit for you. This is a favourite play of a parent, older sibling, manager or overbearing partner. When we are successful, they attribute it to something they did. It may be that a parent takes credit for their paying for an expensive education, for your grades or career achievements. It could be that your manager views your promotion as as result of their supervision over the years. Whatever the scenario, your narcissist will ignore the time, effort, and sacrifices you made, and attribute your success as an extension of their greatness.

3) Ignoring you. As with so many things in a narcissist's existence, if they don't acknowledge it, they think it does not exist. So, if they don't want to hear you, they just might not. It's as simple as that. You share your excitement with them. In response you get..... crickets.

4) Faking disinterest. This point is similar to number three, except that actually the narcissist does hear you, and it does go into their conscious. But you won't hear about it when they finally decide to congratulate you. No, you will hear about it through somebody else, when they are using you as a part of their bragging rights. Perhaps as part of the weekly gossip session with friends, your mother will discuss your upcoming promotion as a way to one-up a rival in the group. What is insidious about this is that it is proof that the narcissist knows your success is praiseworthy. But they won't praise you. When this happens as a kid, who is starved of appreciation from their parents, this one is particularly damaging.

5) Being the victim. A classic tactic a covert narcissist will employ is to be the victim. If they can't undermine or ignore your achievement, they will remember a problem that they have and use that to distract from your joy, or make you feel guilty for feeling positive. The covert narcissist likes to work under cover though, so the guilt will likely be hidden behind a more positive comment. It may sound something like "well, of course, I'd love to celebrate your new job, but I am in so much pain.....". You're left wrong-footed, wanting them to be happy in your success and yet feeling selfish for wanting something so natural. And if you don't show sympathy for their problem, then double the serving of feeling selfish.

6) Sarcasm. It's the ultimate putdown, and can be subtle or very cutting. "Sure, we're all really happy for you". It's a nasty thing to say, but if you call them on it- saying you are hurt they can't share in your good fortune, they will respond with "I just said we are happy for you. What's wrong with that?" Once again, we are immediately on the back-foot, and if we push our point in saying they didn't mean that in their initial comment, we are being overly sensitive and misinterpreted what they said.

7) Sabotage. If you are dealing with a particularly nasty flavour of narcissist, they may deliberately try to interfere with your good fortune. It could be by spreading a rumour about us behind our back about how we achieved something. It may be spiteful gossip that we now think we are better than others because this good thing happened. Or it could be that the narcissist is so dysregulated by the success that they stop us, or try to stop us, achieving more. They may stop paying for piano lessons or sports teams when we are younger. If we are independent they may guilt us into not following our passions, saying it is taking too much time from the family or other commitments. They may even speak to people in our lives, perhaps even telling a romantic partner we aren't interested or have cheated on them. None of these things should be taken lightly, the last point can become downright dangerous. Wherever you are, please look after yourself. We need and deserve people in our lives who are on our side, who are looking out for us and want the best for us. We need to surround ourselves with a team who are on our side. If the folks you have closest to you can't do this for you, then it may be time to rethink who is with you. Much love,

Chess xxx