6 Signs Of A Controlling Relationship: (IT REEKSS!!)
- Chess
- Jun 27
- 4 min read
I usually cover narcissistic families, difficult relationships, and emotional healing. Some episodes are lighthearted. This one isn’t.
This one’s serious. It comes straight from my work with clients who are stuck in controlling, toxic, or downright abusive relationships.
And here’s the tough part: even when we know what controlling behavior looks like, it can be really hard to feel it when we’re inside the relationship.
So I’ve come up with an acronym—REEKSS—as a sort of emotional “smell test.” If your relationship ticks several (or all) of these boxes, I’m asking you—genuinely, from the heart—to take it seriously.
Whether it’s a partner, a parent, a sibling, a friend, or even a colleague... if your relationship REEKS, it’s time to get curious, get clear, and get support.
R – Responsibility (That All Falls on You)
Do you feel like you’re the only one responsible for “fixing” the relationship?
Maybe you’ve been told it’s all your fault. Or maybe you’ve slowly absorbed the belief that if anything is going to change, you have to be the one to change it. That’s a heavy burden.
But here’s the truth: unless you’re the legal guardian of a child, no adult relationship should place all responsibility on one person’s shoulders. Emotional responsibility in a healthy relationship is shared—even if imperfectly.
If you’re carrying the entire emotional load, that’s not noble. That’s a red flag.
E – Equality (Or a Lack of It)
You know what equality feels like? Respect. Mutuality. Being able to speak and be heard. It doesn’t mean you’re identical—it means you both matter.
Controlling relationships tend to toss equality out the window. One person might have all the privileges—freedom, time, space, validation—while the other is stuck walking on eggshells, meeting demands, or being held to a totally different standard.
If there are different rules for different people, and your needs never seem to count, you’re not in an equal relationship. You’re in a power imbalance. And that power might be holding you hostage.
E – Evidence (That You’re Not Who They Say You Are)
This is a big one.
Controlling people will tell you who you are. You’re “too sensitive.” “Too needy.” “Selfish.” “Crazy.” “Hard work.”
But here’s the twist: other people might not see you that way at all.
In fact, if you’ve escaped a toxic family or long-term manipulative relationship, new friendships or experiences might start showing you a different version of yourself. One that’s capable. Kind. Funny. Worthy.
That’s not just luck. That’s evidence. And when the evidence you’re collecting from the outside world doesn’t match the story you’ve been told inside the relationship—that’s your sign.
You’re not broken. You’re being miscast.
K – Consistency and Confusion
Confusion is the calling card of a manipulative relationship.
One day you’re loved, the next you’re stonewalled. The rules change. The story shifts. You’re expected to follow one standard while they follow none.
You start questioning your memory. Your instincts. Your own sanity.
This kind of mental fog isn’t normal. It’s not you being fragile. It’s not a personal flaw. It’s what happens when someone else is messing with your reality.
If you’re constantly unsure what’s real, what’s fair, or what you’re allowed to do—please talk to someone. The confusion itself is a symptom of control.
S – Scared (To Leave)
Are you afraid of what might happen if you leave?
That fear might be physical, financial, legal, or emotional—but if fear is what’s keeping you there, please pay attention.
Relationships should be built on connection—not coercion. If threats, intimidation, or guilt are stopping you from walking away, that’s not love. That’s control.
Fear of leaving is one of the biggest warning signs that a relationship isn’t just strained—it’s unsafe.
S – Self-Harm (As a Way Out)
This one’s hard to talk about. But it needs to be said.
If you’ve ever thought, “Maybe if I just disappeared, I wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore”—please know, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken. You’re in pain.
Wanting to harm yourself isn’t a reflection of who you are. It’s a reflection of how deeply harmful the relationship has become.
When we internalize other people’s abuse, we start to believe the only way to stop the pain is to turn it inward. But that’s not the truth.
There are ways out. And you deserve support to find them.
Final Thoughts: When a Relationship REEKSS
If any of this sounds familiar—if your relationship REEKSS—then this isn’t just hard. It’s serious.
You might need to take some scary, brave steps. But they will be worth it. You do not have to live like this.
Reach out. Talk to someone. Call a helpline. Find a therapist. Because life outside the fog? It’s brighter than you think.
Take care of yourself. Be safe. You matter.
With care,
Chess xx
Resources:
Or search your local area for 24/7 mental health or domestic violence support.
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