2 simple ways to avoid parental estrangement

1. Be kind

2. Have good boundaries.

If your relationship with your adult child has gone sideways it can be hard to know where to start to get things back on track.

My rule of thumb is to treat your adult child like you would a good neighbour—fostering a connection without sacrificing privacy. Here are some key principles to get back on track.

Respect Space and Privacy

Just as you wouldn’t barge into a neighbor’s home unannounced, it’s essential to respect your adult child’s space. Start by having open conversations about what they’re comfortable with in your relationship. For example, rather than assuming your holiday plans will mirror those of previous years, ask them what they prefer this time around. Similarly, if you notice they haven’t responded to your texts, check in and see if it’s still okay to reach out in that way.

Ask Questions, Don’t Assume

It’s easy to think we know our children well, but the truth is that people change. Rather than making assumptions about their preferences or needs, ask them directly. This approach not only shows respect but also opens the door to understanding their current feelings and desires.

Practice Kindness

Being kind is fundamental. A small gesture, like dropping off a casserole during tough times, can mean a lot—but don’t expect an invitation inside. Kindness is about supporting them when they ask for help, but it’s equally important to be independent and not rely on them for emotional validation. If they do help you, express your gratitude; if they don’t acknowledge your efforts, consider whether you should continue to offer.

Establish Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are essential in any relationship, especially with adult children. Here are some tips to maintain healthy boundaries:

1. Respect Each Other’s Space: Just as you wouldn’t expect a neighbor to be available at all times, don’t assume your child will always be there for you.

2. Be Polite and Helpful: Offer support when you can, but recognize your limits.

3. Avoid Expectations: Shift away from obligations in the relationship toward a focus on reciprocity and mutual understanding.

4. Don’t Tie Your Self-Worth to the Relationship: Your value shouldn’t hinge on how well your relationship with your child is going. This mindset can lead to unnecessary pressure and tension.

   
   

The Power of Kindness and Boundaries

Ultimately, kindness and boundaries are two sides of the same coin. Good boundaries communicate what you need to take care of yourself and foster healthier interactions. Here’s what kindness entails:

• Listening

• Empathizing

• Treating others as you’d like to be treated

• Being supportive

• Being warm and pleasant

Conversely, kindness does not involve:

• Criticizing

• Being mean

• Pushing your own agenda

• Overextending yourself

• Being a pushover

  
  

Moving Forward

By implementing these principles, you can work towards healing and strengthening your relationship. As things stabilize, you may find the opportunity to address any underlying issues that contributed to the initial friction.

Remember, good relationships are built on mutual respect, understanding, and kindness. With patience and practice, you can create a bond that feels supportive and fulfilling for both you and your adult child.

As always, much love,

Chess

xxx