Ongoing trust in a relationship is not automatic. Yes, children are born dependent. Out of necessity, they have no choice but to trust their caregivers. But that provisional, survival-based trust is not the same as earned trust. It’s not permanent. And when that trust is repeatedly betrayed—through neglect, manipulation, dismissal, or harm—a child may not recognize it at the time. Kids overlook things. They blame themselves.

If estrangement includes both a lack of closeness and a lack of contact, then many parents don’t even notice the emotional withdrawal. Children learn early to show the family what they want, not who they truly are. So when the child finally walks away: “It came out of nowhere!” says the parent. But the estrangement didn’t start that day. It started years earlier, in the silences, in the performances, and in the emotional disconnection.

Labels can feel comforting: liberal, conservative, believer, atheist. If I know which category you’re in—and which one I’m in—I can tell myself I know where we stand. But labels flatten people. They turn complex human beings into ideas. And when you’re fighting ideas instead of humans, hurting each other becomes easier. Outrage can even feel… energizing. A substitute for connection. A way to feel alive when we’re anxious or disconnected.